They're still making fun of my dad in ways they are more like him than me.

I feel a bit worn out, like I need to be careful, after being around my younger brother.

Everyone thinks you're bound to admit you're not all that.

I get the image of my dad's younger sister kneeling at his naked penis, no offense, like a hippie.  What is she there waiting for to come out?  It's like she wants to trap me, like she's "better."

He wouldn't stop.

I think the people monitoring me in private started, too.

My brother keeps trying to control me and ruin me how he acts, and when he's not doing that he "snaps out of it."

They keep making problems I have to wait to overcome.

(continued)

They also say it's my fault.

They keep acting suggestively about an older lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with, like they keep ruining her. 

They keep saying it's always about dealing with fabricated problems for an older lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with because they couldn't see anyone caring about me anymore, in certain ways.

...But they ruined an older lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with, like that's okay.  Can they take it back?  It is not forgivable, like murder.

They keep elaborating like it's fun.

So, they are very mean and now have it waiting for an older lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with that if I get punished in bad ways that it's about comforting her for being hurt for it.  It seems like a new, strong development coming to full fruition and everlasting, and they seem excited about it. 

Whoever is talking to me, it's like if I admit they're bad they'll call all off.  They have no business being mean to me through this like I'm really guilty.  Why do they have it in them, with the resources to do it?

Sometimes, they impersonate others.

It's annoying, and they're unwanted, in this way.  They make it look silly pretending I was the one who always wants the world to be worrying about an older lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with.  I sometimes stomped in public in Orlando, and people kept being mean, so they think this lady is better than me and they glow at her.

They used to say it was okay if people cared if I was hurt in bad ways after something I did made them think I was weird, but now I am worried they have a new card and instead of me just make an older lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with suffer to be comforted.

The people involved monitoring me in private seem to have agreed that the person in charge must be my dad, and he's also too weak to assume leadership or make personal decisions about this.  He died 1-2 months ago, pulled the plug.  My mom died 2-3 years ago, sick.  Whose left?  It's the people monitoring me in private using other people, like by blood relation, and assuming they are treating me like they want in their place for them.  They don't seem to be strong to assume leadership, neither, nor comfortable making decisions on their own.  They listened to my dad, supposedly because I lived with him.  It's strange how it stays the same since he died.  He wanted me to have an example set for me of being like undesirable, like say not liking to be attractive and being crude.  So, I catch the people monitoring me in private, also unwilling or sometimes maybe unable to make decisions and assume leadership by themselves.  Some of it seems by choice, others maybe pressure.  Either way, no one is assuming responsibility for their actions.  If I complain about it, they act silly and say I'm silly to always follow traditional rules, and they act like I'm just being atypical and for my generation, who they support against me in things like that.

They said they could ruin my life in different ways because, they said, my dad's younger sister has problems or something understanding the world and why she's older than some generations ... anyway, that, if I show physical anger, even in private, I should be made miserable and "punished" unreasonably.  She, then, has the excuse that, anyway, this will make it safe.  She was a police, too.  Then, my grandma supposedly thought something once being sassy making fun of my heritage that, "Why, if something happens around it, why, then, it must be related."  So, something happened to do with some important people in my life, who supposedly deserve great respect.  I was upset sorta kicking my legs on my sofa and wailing.  I was fed up and pissed off that people, even by hearing how they drive, like they're talking and it sounds like words... that they don't give a damn to make my life any better and it's too bad.  A bit earlier, I showed some less physical anger, and the people monitoring me in private, still, just sat there and waited to punish me later, and I couldn't stand how they do this lately.  It only gets worse, too.

The people monitoring me in private talk and set it on autopilot, so I felt like they threatened my thoughts when I encounter an older lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with.

Also, the people monitoring me in private, for whatever reason or relaying whoever as well maybe, act threateningly about my way of thinking because they were told my mom, when I was like 2 or 3 etc., used to tell me to focus and stay still ... For some reason they think there's something wrong with that!  They also say I can't say I'm how I want in like if I'm like my mom in a way, that I'm just bad and that's how they see my dad, like I'm undesirable and I am just bad like I'm taking if I ever learned anything from my mom.  How do these things make sense?  If we were with other people an dI wasn't secluded with them, it simply wouldn't come up, in most cases.

So, the people in Orlando make fun of people they supposedly were big supporters of: Olivia Newton-John, Britney Spears, Keira Knightley.  Well, when I was upset, I heard a car sound like it said "Keira," yet again, maybe because of someone I met with a "fetish" supposedly about looking like other people.  They think I'm in trouble because I showed physical anger, like kicking in my sofa, after that.  They somehow got out like this was their "moment to shine," acting nasty like they blurted out like a type of farmboy, annunciating in a nasty way, everyone so surely this was their time, like blurting out uncontrollably, "Keira, I said Keira."  My younger brother made me encounter it, too, and it felt like I would be stuck that way forever in eternity and it went deep and felt like magic, like that's "something" he could do, in such a case, for he is upset about his life due to my parents.

Once my dad uttered in thought, "It can never get better."  He also wasted my life believing I was in trouble.  So, anyway, it was supposed to get okay and better and great, but they keep getting worse.  Also my dad's younger sister thinks, "I you can't do something little, why get something big?"  Beyond that, it still lingers like for me it makes sense.  So, since I showed physical anger with something to do with some reputable people happening, they thought since it was with them it's worse.  So, it was pretty vicious and still thought about 3 months later, with no sign of stopping, like some other things.  Some people aren't okay with me worrying about a good future, but I need to plan things out.

Money, I have issues with money.  The people monitoring me in private or whoever just follow my insecurities to deal with and try to keep them as insecurities, you might say.  I keep getting in trouble for spending money, like if I think it's okay and it turns out I wish I didn't, like eating out.  I just got a backpack with a lunch section, for good food hopefully.  So, I feel stressed out and distracted, I know.  I try to save.  Still, it makes people feisty, if I think I spent too much and don't know if returning feels right.  I know my dad doesn't like to return, but my mom does.  I have returned a lot of things recently and bought other things, instead.  Now, I just want to save to be safe.  I could be safer, but things seem okay, unless something new comes up.  I might even end up working, for awhile, and save money, partially for school things, like bus pass for example which if I don't get discounts may be $60/month.  At the group home, I pay $600 of SSI for rent and utilities.  I have like $180+ left at that.  I'm hoping to get benefits from my dad and within a year from the VA, as he was a disabled veteran who died, partly with something to do from the military during Vietnam.  I think he was also upset about my mom dying.  They were supposed to live in different places, so my younger brother wouldn't have to move schools and places again.  You know, my younger brother actually with me is always upset, only now admitting who he is as a person isn't what he wants and somehow he alines with me now, thinking he sees something, that I am different because of what I did and my experiences, just "something shiny" he may or may not understand.  So, he's mad I'm in the family and blames my parents for it.  I never knew for sure, but they seemed incapable or deceitful in how they raised my brother as a person in who he is.  I know he violently was against me as a baby etc.  Maybe, they had problems with those things?  So, back to money, I may have about $900 from the $1400 stimulus check.  Expensive things may be a cheaper tablet but with things like more memory (as my other reading device keeps breaking,) things of makeup all added together maybe, I got 2 bags (1 after the other for its features that may also save money,) a bus pass for $25, 7 cardigans to wear every other day in the group home, may need some cheap sports bras, etc.  I got my hair shaved off and ate out a few times.  I also need groceries when my food stamps run out.  I need to pay for boxes, not expensive, and to ship them, like $1 a pound maybe.  I needed some hats when I shaved my head.  Last month, I got some nice crocs that are actually for kids but have glitter.  So.  I am not eating out but need groceries.  So, now it's fixing my violin, boxes to move, luggage, not sure what else.  I have about $90, waiting to get back like $150, $90 being stolen money from a previous month.  If I have to now, I could also return the makeup.  I looked, though, and I guess it was like $50 and could make me happy and treated better..  So, I will work if I don't get extra money, for now, probably, and save up money and go to school eventually.  I move to the group home at the beginning of May.  I have to use the bus, too.  For me, those minimum wage entry level type jobs are a challenge, repetitive and physical work.  I've done it, though.  It might be hard to find a job, too.

Doesn't it say if you are bad to me, it could make other bad things happen? like Orlando, the people being mean to me? as one example.  Yea, people just are reluctant and stubborn to give a damn about me and how they treat me and go out of their way or use me to take out a frustrated mood on.  I already can tell New Orleans, when some get a chance, are uppity.  They want to assert a feeling on me and make me look lesser and weak.

I also have jury duty this week, excited and not sure how many days it will be.  I have to show the bus my paper to get on free and I get paid $15 a day and if more days later $30.  I'll bring my laptop.

So, let's hope for the best with the money.  Let's hope bad things don't happen so much to good people.

They said they ruined an older lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with for good because I post the problems they give me here, and they just gave me another one.